Ep. 4 Boundaries make you beautiful

just a pep talk on boundaries, self worth and inner peace, you step the standard others follow.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey y'all, and welcome back to another episode of Bless This Mess with your bestie Tay Ray. And today's episode is called Boundaries Make You Beautiful. So before we get in today's episode, I'm just going to catch all up with what's been going on over here. I have lost 10 pounds with eating Sunfair, my meal preps. And it hasn't been easy because I'm not eating carbs right now and I'm in a calorie deficit. But I know once I get to my fixed weight that I will be back on carbs. And we are just on a quick break. You know, we're not broken up forever. We're just on a little break right now. So yeah, it's been exciting. A lot of my girlfriends are like, why don't you just get on the shot? Why don't you just get on a zimpic? Or and I'm like, girls, one, I don't know what's in these shots. Two, you know, what if I get on it and then I get off of it and I still eat the same and have the same mindset. I'm just gonna gain all the way back. And that's so emotionally, like too much to handle. I'd rather have Coach Carl coach me and get control of my mind right now and transform my mind so I have that self-discipline and self-control um for the rest of my life. So it's really been a transformable time for me, and I have been really thankful for it, but it's not easy. If it's easy, everyone else would do it. And I'm just proud of myself for showing up and sticking to it and really seeing results, and I'm feeling happy about it. Y'all, I went and bought new jeans, new tops, new dresses. I haven't worn dresses in years, so I'm definitely feeling myself. But yeah, it kind of goes with boundaries today, if you think about it. You have to say no to a lot of stuff to get the life you want. I've had to say no to snacking and different things to feel this way and look this way. So, yeah, so what do people think when they hear boundaries? What's like the first thing that comes to your mind? A lot of people think that it's selfish and unloving. And the truth about boundaries is that they it creates peace and confidence and healthy relationships. Now, girls, choosing yourself isn't always easy. I know, because I am a retired people pleaser, but you can still love people and set boundaries. It's totally possible. And I love people, I love seeing them happy. I I used to do it all the time at the cost of my own happiness. Like, as long as you're happy, then I'm happy. But that's just not the way to live life, to be honest. You have to love yourself and choose yourself. So um, I remember me and my girlfriend, we used to always go out to eat to like brunch and stuff, girls' brunch, and I would always let her pick and go where she wanted to go. And some of the times I did not want to go where she wanted to go, like I was just not in the mood for it. But I would just be quiet and go and be the easy-going friend. And over time I started getting this like quiet resentment, and I didn't know why. And the thing about it is, is no one else was doing it but me. So she's a great friend. She had no idea. I was literally creating that in my world, and boundaries make healthy relationships. Relationships are a two-way street. You have to speak up when you want things um to be a certain way because it's not fair to you, it's not fair to your friend. So yeah, learn boundaries early on and just know that it makes a world of a difference. You show up for you, and then other people follow. So you gotta be like, this is what we're doing, and then people will go with you too. So it's really just about speaking up. And the thing about it is she wasn't being a bad friend, she was just thinking I was down to do what she wanted to do, and I never spoke up. That was the biggest issue. Boundaries is using your voice. God gave us beautiful voices to use gracefully and you know, in a respectful way, but you have to set the boundaries. So you're the main character of your story. So don't be afraid to speak up on what you want and what you don't want. It's not fun to always give in every time to someone else's wants and needs. Sometimes you need to put your foot down. But if you're anything like I used to be, you do not like to step on people's toes. But guess what? You're gonna have to get over it. I'm just kidding. Um, but you will have to if you want to live the life that you want to live. And you have to speak up. You have to choose your heart desires and choose you. It's your life. You ask not because you no, you have not because you asked not. Close mouths, do not get fed, honey. So ask for the raise at work or ask the brandill for your worth. You know, you've put so much time and years of your life into something, you should be getting paid for it. You should get paid for your time. And I meet so many beautiful, successful, like loving women in our industry. And they, every single time I'm on a set, they come up to me and they're like, Are you getting paid? Like, how'd you get paid? And girls, we need to stop it. We are so worth getting paid. I know we want to be loving and we want to show up and give to people. And I get it, I did it for many years, but even just asking for gas money, like to get you there, it's not a big deal. People can afford it and they can help you out. So always ask. Don't keep your mouth closed, close mouths, don't get fed, and really just know that you are so worthy of getting paid for your time. It's you have this one beautiful life, and you can either go help someone else build their dream with your time, or you can spend that same time building your own dream. But if you're gonna go help someone else build their dream, they should probably pay you for it. Just saying. Um, we need to heal the reasons why we might struggle with boundaries. One of the reasons you might struggle with boundaries is like the fear of disappointing people. The right people will not be disappointed and they will understand your point of view. They will actually understand where you're coming from, and that's how you know those are your people. Now, if they're not understanding, those aren't your people, and you're probably gonna waste a lot of time and you don't need to do that. It's probably not where you're meant to be. So that's one. Another one is wanting everyone to like us. Most people don't even like themselves, so that is an unrealistic um expectation we've put on other people and ourselves. How do you expect everyone to like you all the time? No, they don't even like themselves, like it's not realistic. So please get that out of your head. I feel like so many people are like, oh, they have to like me. I need people to like me. No, you don't. Like yourself. You need to know how to like and love yourself and be able to enjoy time with yourself and know if people don't like you, that's more of their problem than yours. But you don't have to prove or to get anyone to like you. You're still gonna sleep good at night, the world's still gonna go around, it's not that big of a deal. Confusing kindness with people pleasing. Like, I want you to ask yourself, are you being nice or are you compromising your own comfortability? Most of us just compromise. Like you're so past people pleasing, and you're just giving it all. And it's not the way you're meant to be, it's not the way you're supposed to live your life. Another reason might be believing that love is saying yes to everything. That really isn't how love is shown. Love is shown through giving hugs, checking in on people, remembering their birthday, but not saying yes to everything. You're allowed to say no. Learn the word no, okay. Um, a woman becomes more beautiful when she has peace, confidence, self-respect, and calming energy, purpose, and standards. I love that word, standards. Something about that. Like a woman with standards is people are naturally drawn to someone who values themselves. Here are some tips to get better with boundaries. Pause before saying yes. I love to say yes to everything, so I have to work on that. Just pause, breathe, check your schedule, don't just say yes. I will just be like, yeah. It's so bad. Pray before commitments. Pray. Pray about it. Just ask God, spend time with yourself and journal and think about it and write about it before you can fully say yes to something. Don't confuse guilt with conviction. I feel like we guilt ourselves most of the time. Like, I don't even think God is guilting us. I think we do it ourselves. Protect your mornings. If you win the morning, you win the day. That quiet time reading your Bible, meditating, whatever you want to do, that quiet time to center yourself, to envision your day of what you want to get done. Protect that time and make sure it's like a phone-free time because that's really the quietest moment of your day. And let actions, not just words, earn access to your life. I love a good action. There's talkers and there's doers. Let doers be more involved in your life than the talkers, okay? Oh my gosh. So, you guys, I just had to put a boundary up. It was my birthday the other day, and um everybody wanted cake, and I was like, great, good for y'all. I'm not having any sugar. I'm 36 days, no sugar. So I was just picturing myself at my birthday while everyone's eating cake, and I was like, that would be torture. I do not want to be around cake on my birthday. So it sounds silly, but my boundary was no cake. And that's just what I gotta do for me to show up as my best self, right? I gotta do what I gotta do, and that was the boundary. Now, they might not have liked it, it might have seemed silly, but these little boundaries and setting them really adds up on you understanding your own self-worth. So they're really important that even the small things you set the boundaries because then it makes it easier for the bigger things you need to set if you're already doing it down here on like a lower caliber. So just really take your life serious and take your boundaries serious and just know that you want to show up as your best self, so you have to be comfortable. Here are some healthy examples of boundaries saying no without explaining for 20 minutes why we're adults, you don't need to explain forever why you're saying no. Just say no and move on. We got things to do, not answering every text immediately. I feel like our phones as my phone is ringing, I feel like our phones are always just drawing us in all the time. Do not be a slave to your phone, okay? Leaving relationships that are disrespectful. Absolutely not. You better go, girlfriend. Protecting your sleep. Sleep is the most important thing. Our body needs it, it really needs it to function, especially on this calorie deficit. So sleep and make sure you protect your hours of sleep. Limiting social media, scrolling is so bad for the intention span, for trying to be present, for manifesting. It's I know you want to learn and you want to see all the things, what everyone's up to. It's really good to try to stay off the phone. Protecting your finances, whether that's budgeting or telling people you can't go out and do this, like make sure that you feel good and you're safe. Um, not entering gossip. Gossip's no fun for anybody. I talked about that in my last episode. And dating with standards instead of settling. Do not settle. You don't need to. You're too gorgeous anyway. Yeah, I mean, basically, boundaries are just so helpful. They keep you safe, they keep other people safe, they keep the peace, and they keep relationships alive. They really do, they're really needed. So don't ever, ever think that setting a boundary is um selfish. It's not. You're actually helping the other person in the situation as well. Uh, I remember this one time me and this girl were having a conversation at a table with all these other people, and she just like freaked out. She didn't like freak out. Well, I just kind of freaked out, but she got really ramped up and she like really believed in what she was saying. And um I did not agree with her, but I just got really quiet and I like quietly absorbed like all the aggression that she was throwing at me. And I hate confrontation, I just hate it, and I just kept absorbing it, and I didn't say anything. I just got quiet and I let her have her rant, and that was it. I wish I could have gone back in that moment in time and just been like, I'm so happy that you feel so safe to express yourself with me, but I do not agree with you. Let's agree to disagree and change the subject. When you do stuff like that, you're speaking gracefully, you're standing up for yourself, you're setting the boundary, and you're taking your power back while keeping the peace. And that is so important when setting boundaries. When you set them, they need to be so graceful and almost like you're talking to a child. Like you want to do it in a way that's so loving and so sweet. And um, yeah, if you don't agree with something, don't just quietly absorb it. You're allowed to say you don't agree with it. It's part of your self-worth, it's part of your becoming your best your best self. So the way people treat you often begins with what you allow. The world will take, take, take till you have nothing for yourself. So make sure you learn boundaries early on. Even Jesus had boundaries. He would withdraw from people to go pray. He didn't heal every person in town. He sometimes walked away from crowds. He said no to temptation. Even with love and compassion, he still had limits. Boundaries are for dating, relationships, friendships, the workplace, and everyday life with strangers. It's better to learn yours now so you can live a happier life. Remember, every no to what isn't right creates a better yes. Boundaries keep you beautiful, they make you beautiful. People will respect you more, knowing that you respect yourself, and they are needed in every relationship. Every relationship. Every relationship. Um, so make sure to use your voice, to speak up, to do it gracefully, and know that you're really leading with love when you're setting boundaries. So do it, sister. You got this. Affirmation for this week is I believe that the more I speak up and choose me and my comfortability first, that people respect me more and meet my needs accordingly. I believe the more that I speak up and choose me and my comfortability first, that people respect me more and meet my needs accordingly. Now, this was a short episode, but it's such an important one. Boundaries are so important, and I'm so glad we got to go over this today. Till next weekend. I love you, angels. Thank you so much.